Dear Thriving Bride,
I will be married in 9 days, and I want to talk to you about the emotional ghosts in your closet that will surely creep up as you get closer to this day. For me, there is this huge and wonderful community of love and support all around me, but I find that one thing or another triggers this little girl inside me that dreamed of this day, and it is hard to believe it is all happening. I mean we’ve all read those books about manifesting what you want and staying present in the moment, but the past is real and it did happen.
This morning I looked in the mirror before going for a run and I was shocked at what my silhouette reminded me of. I had my shirt bunched up a bit and I looked like me when I was 5 years old and smiling into the camera while perusing the local library of the city we lived in at that time. There was so much joy in my face, no there was actually childhood glee. It is that moment that we all have, but children know how to harness it and express it most. It is that look that says: nothing can destroy this moment!
As I was waiting for my running partner to ring my doorbell, I kept looking into that mirror. With my shirt all bunched up and my silhouette staring straight at me, I noticed that my body had not changed much: slight hips, strong legs, a certainty about my expression. It was all still there, but I knew that I was no longer that little girl. I couldn’t be, but I learned so much from being reminded of that day in the library when someone (possibly one of my parents) snapped that photo. The only thing that was missing from the me I saw today in the mirror was that childhood glee.
I think it was missing because as much as I am so excited to marry PJ, I am letting go of something that is still a bit unexplainable. I believe I am letting go of who that little girl had to be to survive, and I also believe I am letting go of who she thought she had to be to find love and support in this world. I am embracing that she was a part of me, but the me now knows who she is and knows that no amount of loss, grief, emotional or physical violence could destroy that childhood glee, that essence that I managed to keep tucked safely within me and use later.
So, from now until my wedding day I will remember that little girl in the photo and no matter what comes up I can say to myself: nothing can destroy this moment!